They held me down,
I chose to go,
Blades are cheap,
Again and again they cut,
And I scream and I scream.
I don’t know how she did it,
Alert until she faints.
It’s so remote, no turning back,
We’re off to see your grandmother,
I shouldn’t have read this,
Shouldn’t have thought …
And they act like they’re so happy.
You’ll be beautiful, they say.
A gory trip through YouTube, I can’t stop.
No-one talks about it, we all know.
It’s the not knowing that’s driven me here,
Or is it the knowing,
Knowing that my mother died?
Sometimes we don’t come back.
‘Why didn’t you just say no?’ he asks.
Like I knew, like I had any idea.
And if I’d known, and if I know,
And if I could see, would I still?
And will my girl? What daughter?
It’s easy for you, I spat, you don’t have to.
‘But if my wife, my sister, my daughter …’ He says.
What right have you, I say,
To try to walk in my shoes?
My breasts are still untried,
Should I wait?
It’s too late now, you hold me down.
I choose the knife.